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Pagosa Springs News Summaries
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Local News - Opinions & Editorials - Business & Real Estate - Friends & Neighbors - Arts & Entertainment - Sports & Recreation - Humor, Fiction, Poetry - Health & Environment - Religion & Philosophy 
HUMOR: Stinkwater Status Symbols
Louis Cannon | 4/30/12
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A close examination of history reveals one primary driving force in the progress of humankind — from an unwashed band of poorly-fed cave-dwellers struggling to discover fire during the Pleitocene Era, to an overly-sanitized family of obese condo-dwellers struggling to pay their income tax bill during the Obama Era.

That essential driving force?  The quest to acquire Status Symbols.

“Status” is a hard-to-define define but highly desired trait among human beings.  But status, like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder — so humans in every society around the globe have settled for the next-best thing: “Status Symbols.”
status symbols fusion razors bic disposable razors
BIC disposable single-blade razor. Price, $1.98 per dozen.
“It would be wonderful if we could all have status,” explained note UCLA sociologist Betty Will during a recent visit to the Sulfur Scent Resort here in rural Stinkwater Springs, Colorado.  “But that’s like saying, it would be wonderful if we all had health insurance.  It simply isn’t possible.  But luckily, everyone can have status symbols.”

Ms. Will had come to Stinkwater to deliver a report on status symbols to the Stinkwater Economic Development Club, as part of the club’s ongoing effort to spend taxpayers’ money on ridiculous studies and research.

“Status symbols are very important to our general sense of well-being, here in America.  Or even up in Canada, for that matter. 

"But our current economic difficulties have made it more difficult to acquire these symbols because — well, who can afford a red BMW convertible?  Especially in a little rural town like Stinkwater Springs?”

Ms. Will pointed out the special difficulties facing a typical male with a two-car family, 2.5 kids, and an underwater mortgage. "He's supposed to buy a Rolex watch?  He's still using a thirty-year-old wind-up alarm clock from Walmart.”

Recent developments in status symbol research have, however, revealed a silver lining to this cloud on the status horizon.

“Have you seen these?” Ms. Will asked excitedly, digging in her over-sized handbag.  “This is really exciting...  I know I put one in here.  Damn it.  Ooops, excuse my language; I just have too many things in this handbag. It’s in here someplace.”

Just minutes later, Ms. Will extracted the subject of her fervent search: a newer model Gillette FUSION five-bladed razor.

“Have you seen these?  Here, check out how this feels in your hand.  Pretty nice feeling, don’t you think? And the chromed plastic… Did you notice the little orange ‘On-Off” switch on the handle; see, right there?  It has a battery inside.  I’ve never figured out what the battery does, but just having the “On-Off” switch is so cool. And it has an Enhanced Indicator Lubricating Strip that gradually fades to white when you are no longer getting your optimal shave, so you always know when to change the blades.

“Anyone can go into any discount store and buy a dozen BIC single-bladed disposable razors for less than $2.  Or you can buy one of these fabulous Gillette FUSION razors, with one extra cartridge, for about $12.  That’s what I call, an 'affordable status symbol.'
status symbols fusion razors bic disposable razors
Gillette FUSION Series five-blade razor, in its elegant clear plastic display case. Price $12.
“Every time you shave with one of these FUSION series razors, you get this tingling feeling — like, ‘I am using one of the most high-tech razors in the world.’  And it just starts your day off in a status-filled direction.

“I hear, in New York City, a lot of men have started shaving on the subway on the way to work, just so they can show off their FUSION razors. Or even, shaving at the office, while they are seeing clients.

“Well, we all know, here in Stinkwater, a lot of people don’t have jobs, and of course you don’t have subways here, and I’ve been told clients are pretty hard to come by.  So I guess you're at a bit of a disadvantage, as far as enjoying the full fruits of a status symbol like the Gillette FUSION.

“But they’re still affordable, even here in Stinkwater, and you can wake up every morning and lather up your face, and look at yourself in the mirror, and say to yourself, ‘I am a successful human being.’  That’s important.  Especially when you don’t have a job.”

Ms. Will makes her presentation to the Stinkwater Economic Development Club on Wednesday evening at 6pm, in the Town Council chambers. The public is invited — and urged to show up 'clean-shaven.'
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